What I find that I want after Fifteen years of shutting down is to be challenged.
by the people, places and things around me.
I want Conversation.. I want meaning.. I want to talk and think.. I want to do and see and be..
Now that I have begun again.. I cannot let myself go back. The thought of living like I had been living makes me sick to my stomach.
I took my Aussie for a nice 3 mile walk today and once we hit the main road I put her on a leash.. she has always has issues heeling… never outright runs at the end of the leash but always has to be out in front of me no matter how slight.. she needed to lead.. and it has always frustrated me and I always chalked it up to her breed.. her need to herd and be the boss. TODAY something between us clicked like never before and within 3 minutes she was nose to my knee and I was leading the walk and she did two miles at near perfect heal. I came to realize it was NEVER the dogs fault she did not heel.. (sigh)
And this means it is almost time to go back to riding.. If I am recognizing that it is ME who needs work.. which is what the Mare has been saying all along.. and that it is almost TIME!!
I find myself responding to my best friend’s questions and thoughts with more of myself.. I am enjoying myself more in her wonderful company.. having more confidence.
I find that I want for the people I have allowed in my life.. Especially the new people to challenge me mentally, intellectually and emotionally or I find myself wondering if they are worth keeping in my life at this point.. at least in a close intimate capacity..
I have decided I will dedicate myself to getting to see a dear friend of mine lift in competition.. I already have plans to go in a week or so for the first time!!! I have been meaning to for a few years.. and because of the circumstances of my life I have not and I am not letting it hold me back any longer. And there will be a few times I will be taking my kids because this wonderful woman is a true inspiration.
Yoga has quickly become a physical challenge for me and one that I am finding LOVE.
I LOVE my kids and I LOVE being their mother but it is time I become a person separate from that.. I am getting out and doing things that I find stimulating and challenging in different ways.
If I don’t I am going to die here in this life..
FIFTEEN years of shutting down.. FIFTEEN YEARS.. and I know it will not happen overnight that I will become the person I want to be… certainly I will not be the person I was when it all began. I don’t want to be that person..
I am not sure what exactly broke in me a month ago.. what brought about this need to be awake and alive again.. but I am not going back. I am not entirely sure where I am going either.
….and I do not know where my husband fits into all of this.. I find that I have no time to listen to him talk like a three year old.. play stupid.. I just find myself shrugging my shoulders and walking away.. fights left UN-fought.. stupidity falling to the floor all around me and I cannot be bothered to stop and sweep it up any more.
So far he is frustrated but has not changed a thing about his behavior and I doubt he will, besides get worse and I have no desire to shut down to deal with it or engage in the games any more.. I just do not know where this will lead or leave us.. and find I do not have the time to wonder .. or .. dare I say care.
I guess time will tell the tale.. all I do know for now is that I am feeling alive and awake for the first time in a long time and this is different that my usual cycle of crap.. I aint going back this time. Even my dad noticed.. asked if I was going to get a divorce and all I could say was “Dad.. I have thought about it.. but I am not sure right now”
The most important thing at this moment is I am Happy… finding my way and Happy. and I expect no one to be responsible for my happiness but me. Truly no mater what anyone thinks.. I realized today that THIS JOURNEY is about me and me alone.. no matter who else is involved.. or around. this one. .this time.. this journeys is about what I make it.. It was a seriously cool revelation.
Let yourself be open and life will be easier. A spoon of salt in a glass of water makes the water undrinkable. A spoon of salt in a lake is almost unnoticed.
While we were walking I took some pictures of a local boys “gang” that came to check us out.. lol
That is all for now..