Reading my own blog..

Taking the time this week to read my own blog and see where I have been in the last 8 months and see what I need to be working on.

I can honestly say things have not gotten better.  At least not with him.  I am surprised that I am having to take TIME and expend effort to asses my own grown and level of health or lack there of.

I just decided tonight I needed to think about things and look at where I have been and what I have been doing..

Why?  well I will tell you.  I ran into someone I knew as a teenager and we have been talking.. a LOT.. and No.. I would never cheat on my husband.  I never have and I never will… and with that being said.. even so.. It has been a long time since I had a guy talk to me and not play stupid games with me. And it is just making me think about myself in terms of who I have become as a person.

I used to be very good at holding an intelligent conversation and feeling comfortable with people.. and I find that I am lacking those skills in a big way and I did not even realize it.  I mean I talk to my girlfriends but I am beginning to think maybe I need to take a good long look at myself.

So as much as I would like to say this is about “him” it is not.. It is about me and where I have been and where I am going.

And there is no doubt that things have been rough as hell here the past few weeks.  My husband has been doing a lot of drinking and game playing and with him not calling me for 7 days solid now I am not looking forward to him coming home this weekend because I do not have the slightest idea what to expect. I do know he is not fond of my new tactic of spending time upstairs when he is home.. but neither would he change his destructive and disruptive ways even if he would admit that they exist..

well.. off to read and think and try to once again.. (sigh) figure out who I am and where I am going and what the hell I am doing..

I really just gotta stop talking to people.. then this stupid introspection would not happen.. right?   but then again.. I guess if we don’t take risk there is no chance of reward and there has been a lot of reward in this new friendship..There is a lot of reward in each of the few special friends I have.. (sigh)  For some reason new friendships are hard for me to fit into my world and mind and heart.. no matter how much I need and want them.

Black Sheep

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