reading and thinking and shoveling and thinking..
My life is often sad.. But I don’t have to be and mostly I am not.
I live mostly alone, even or especially when he is home.. but mostly I am not lonely and even when I am.. and even when it is deep and dark… That’s ok.
Anger has always been my way of not feeling pain and sadness..
Change, even change for the better scares the hell out of me.. and I don’t know why but it is time to figure it out. And to figure it out I think I have to make change and face that fear.
I deserve better. I don’t know what that better is at this moment but I know I deserve better than living moment to moment scratching and clawing for every scrap of dam happy I can get.
I have a right to want more out of life for myself and my kids than this… I just need to figure out how to get it.
It has been a very long time since I even looked at what might be best for me.. what my needs might be.. I give and give and give and I know that the well is not bottomless. Some time there is going to be nothing left for me to give because there is nothing being put back.. Oh sure.. yes.. kids give back.. but kids grow up and then what?
I have more thinking to do.. more searching..
He called me tonight… said he was upset that when I went upstairs and “took” the kids with me he did not get to spend much time with them.. I asked if I should have to sit downstairs in the chaos and noise so he could spend time with the kids??? and he said…… “I am sure I can find someone who wants to spend time with me” so it was not really about the kids.. not at all.. (..sigh..)
I had it on the tip of my tongue to say to him to go ahead.. and see how long before your selfish ways drive her away too… but I just did not have the energy.. you see.. all he really wants to do is upset me.. get a response..
I quietly hung up the phone..
and it’s perfectly ok to cry.. Anger is an excellent shield.. but it is heavy..
Black Sheep.. choosing to hope happy finds me.