Not a hint

Never fear..

For not even a hint of sin have I either committed or contemplated.

Not in Heart nor Body or Soul.

This life I live.. with a man who is capable of neither love nor compassion is a complicated and difficult one.  One that sometimes can push me to my limits mentally, physically and emotionally but never has it put me anywhere near my moral  boundaries.

I am a woman I can say I am proud of in every way that matters.

I have been through this process you are witnessing now many times over the years..The process of breaking down.. and rebuilding.. trying to find something more in myself to keep going.

It has nothing to do with anyone but me.

Sure.. there are triggers.. the birth of children.. the death of a horse.. the loss of friends and the meeting of new ones… but never has this process been about anything or anyone but me and how I can continue to cope and remain a sane rational person.

I am not upset or offended by what anyone thinks this may be about… It is complicated and hard and messy.. so is my entire life.. and all of this is internal.. I keep the rest of my life.. all the external as calm and normal as possible for my kids..

I really expect no one to understand it.

it is harder than you know.. it is harder than you can ever imagine.

I still have so far to go.. so much to do… and if spending a few days thinking I deserved to be treated better because a man talked to me like I was a deserving, thinking, intelligent woman.. well.. I believe those were a few days well spent.

I have not a single regret for a minute spent in this process.. I spend so much of my life shutting off how I feel.. and I will be back to shutting off how I feel again soon enough..

Black Sheep.. still searching. .hoping…

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This entry was posted in adults with aspergers married to neuro-typical, Choosing Happy, Neurotypical World and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Not a hint

  1. Michelle says:

    No one I know is living a tougher life than you are. I wish I could help in some way besides being a follower of your blog, but I will keep reading . . . and admiring the way you handle everything.

  2. Black Sheep says:

    awww Michelle.. (I say with not just a few tears in my eyes) There are many living harder lives than I.. The man I talked to.. He lost his wife of 15 years and 3 year old daughter in an accident a few years ago.. and my heart weeps for his loss.
    I believe I will come through the other side of this and find the path that I am supposed to be on.. and ready to follow it where ever it may lead.
    maybe one day it will be an easier and more joyful path.. one with less obstacles for me to climb and less demons to fight.
    Thank You for being here.. now.. for this.. you are a part of the joy and comfort in this part of my journey.
    Black Sheep

  3. Patricia says:

    You can just keep doing what you are doing. I have read and will continue to read all of your posts to this blog. You are an amazing person and I have learned a few things about myself reading your blog. Please don’t even consider not doing this anymore.
    Patricia

    • Black Sheep says:

      I am honored that you think I am anything but a total nut case.. I am here to stay.. I have much to do and say.. and I LOVE bringing it here. I have learned a lot about myself since I started this. Thank You for being here with me..
      Black Sheep

  4. Katelyn says:

    “I have been through this process you are witnessing now many times over the years..”

    “I really expect no one to understand it.”

    “… and if spending a few days thinking I deserved to be treated better ”

    “… and I will be back to shutting off how I feel again”

    I understand. I wish I didn’t.

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