For not even a hint of sin have I either committed or contemplated.
Not in Heart nor Body or Soul.
This life I live.. with a man who is capable of neither love nor compassion is a complicated and difficult one. One that sometimes can push me to my limits mentally, physically and emotionally but never has it put me anywhere near my moral boundaries.
I am a woman I can say I am proud of in every way that matters.
I have been through this process you are witnessing now many times over the years..The process of breaking down.. and rebuilding.. trying to find something more in myself to keep going.
It has nothing to do with anyone but me.
Sure.. there are triggers.. the birth of children.. the death of a horse.. the loss of friends and the meeting of new ones… but never has this process been about anything or anyone but me and how I can continue to cope and remain a sane rational person.
I am not upset or offended by what anyone thinks this may be about… It is complicated and hard and messy.. so is my entire life.. and all of this is internal.. I keep the rest of my life.. all the external as calm and normal as possible for my kids..
I really expect no one to understand it.
it is harder than you know.. it is harder than you can ever imagine.
I still have so far to go.. so much to do… and if spending a few days thinking I deserved to be treated better because a man talked to me like I was a deserving, thinking, intelligent woman.. well.. I believe those were a few days well spent.
I have not a single regret for a minute spent in this process.. I spend so much of my life shutting off how I feel.. and I will be back to shutting off how I feel again soon enough..
Black Sheep.. still searching. .hoping…