I have a feeling…

Things are not going to get easier around here any time soon.

well.. it is way more than a feeling.. it is a rock hard certainty..

I came to a breaking point.. I cannot keep doing what I am doing.. but I cannot leave.. I have no choice but to stay because he cannot care for the kids .. CANNOT!!  and the two younger ones cannot care for themselves if alone in his care.  I am still between the same rock and a hard place I have been for years.

The new difference for me is in my heart..  And my heart has FINALLY chosen true detachment.. I have read about it.. practiced it.. but it is like reading about a food or a smell.. You do not know what it is till you have it, taste it, smell it..

He comes home and drinks.. like he did this past weekend.. threatens me with “finding the company of other women” like he did again… when I decline his drunk advances and I feel nothing.. not sorrow, not hurt, not even anger..

 I read something not to long ago..

I have loved my husband for a very long time.. but it is time to put my heart where it belongs.. in the hands of the lord and pray he keeps it safe.. in his own hands.  I am not looking for and there is no other man.. but I read this and was touched because I have not done well with choosing on my own.  I am praying that god may at least think my heart does not belong in the hands of this man.. but in my own hands at the very least.

I am going to get re-involved with things at the school.  Get involved with some things going on in our community.  I started doing Yoga and am going to go to town and take some classes.  I am going to re-connect with my friends and some of my family.  I am getting outside again and going to take riding lessons and get back to riding my horse..  I am going to get my health back..  When baby girl starts pre-school this fall.. I am going to get a job.

and I am under no false hope that any of this will go easy.. he will fight me.. he will not let me slip away.. he will make it hard.. but I feel some former part of me that I thought I lost fighting to be found..

I want her back.. and I am going to go searching for her.

Your welcome to come along for the ride..

Black Sheep

This entry was posted in Choosing Happy, Farm, Neurotypical World and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to I have a feeling…

  1. Jane says:

    Hugs. Just hugs.

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