Up a Notch

and I stupidly did not see it coming..

Since I have been staying away mentally and physically he found a way in..

As in most marriages.. so it is in ours.. There are money issues.. he makes the money.. I take care of our bills.. He does not want to know what they are.. I have tried telling him.. he refuses to listen or understand.. He wants to be oblivious so he can be angry.

So I pay the bills as best I can.. a lot of the time Robbing Peter to pay Paul.. when bonuses and vacation pay and taxes come in.. these are the times I get caught up and get us the things we have been really needing.. and I just don’t tell him.. he eventually finds out.. usually does not say much.. gets mad sure.. but lets it go..

WELL.. it is the beginning of Bonus/Vacation pay time.. and I am just chugging along.. doing what I have been doing what I have been doing for years.. making sure there is a roof over our heads.. making sure that car insh is paid.. catching up with the electric bill.. and when he called the other day and said he was going to give notice at work and go out east and go to work with his brother and it took me 45 minutes to get him to promise he would actually HAVE the job first I decided to make next months house payment also..

Now, Normally I would have all the Bonus/Vacation Money back.. or most of it back within a few months and it would get spent on what ever we needed to spend it on.. this year it HAS to be a roof on the house..

BUT.. in light of my seeming indifference to his drinking and threatened cheating.. he is PISSED about my use of the money.. and NOW.. I am a bad person..

Never mind that for years he left me.. his WIFE without car insurance.. and never mind that he left me without a car for FIVE MONTHS out here all alone while I was pregnant with baby girl.. Never mind that when I was pregnant with my older daughter he lost his job and for three years he worked only 6 months out of the year and I had to get a job and we almost lost our house..Never mind that he used to literally hold his paycheck in his hand and refuse to let me pay bills or get grocery’s unless I had sex with him.. Neverfuckng MIND that he has abandoned me and our kids for years when I got sick and left us alone in this world to fend for ourselves.

…never mind all the other women. .

anyhow..

He does not want to know how I keep things paid around here.. he only wants them taken care of and wants to be able to get mad at me..

Well.. I refuse to feel bad.

I said I was sorry I spent the money without talking to him first. He threatened to quit his job.  I said I was sorry.. he said he would never work toward a bonus again. I said I was sorry.. he said he was spending his vacation pay on himself from now on.. I said I was sorry.. he said I suckered him..

I am not sorry any more.

He is taking things up a notch.. I am trying to walk away.. my heart is pounding in my chest.. I am trying hard to not feel like a bad person for doing what he taught me to do for the past 18 years.  What I have had to do to survive.  I am trying to catch my breath..

Black Sheep

I suppose this will be a fine excuse for him to drink.. (..sigh..)

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