Harder than it looks..

After just over a month of some very dedicated work at detachment and time to work on myself ……   I think I have come a long way…

But to be honest…  yesterday’s blind side attack, his threats to quit his job and our fight about money has left me pretty low.  Feeling worthless and powerless and nearly in tears.

I have not felt like this in weeks.. I do not like it. Not one little bit.

I am struggling to regain the ground that I let slip out from under me yesterday.. to find that solid footing I was standing on for an entire month.  I cannot, just must not let him take that away from me.  I cannot sit here and just GIVE it to him.

But again.. to be honest.. this one is an old vicious dance he and I do… and I want to stop.. I just do not know how to stop this one.  How to put down these feelings.. I did what I had to do.. what I have always done to protect my children and home.. and it was ONLY because of how I have changed recently that his anger was so big..  that he attacked me so personally and viciously..

I think in as much as he can.. because of my changes.. he is feeling vulnerable.. and needs to make me feel that way also..

I need to find my way back to safe.. to secure.. to strong.

I simply cannot hand him the keys to this one and go back.. You cannot imagine how far I have come in the past month.. There are many many things I have not brought here for consumption..

I tried this morning to just feel these feelings.. and now I am here.. trying to let them out.. let’s see how this works.

He cannot have this one.. he cannot break me at the strong parts because I cannot let him.. I suppose I still have many weak points and broken spots that have not healed yet.. places that will take time to heal.. I guess I must come to understand that and learn to protect them better and deal with the hurt in the mean time.

I am off to do some thinking.. and I do my best thinking when I am working hard.. and there is never a lack of hard work out in the barn.. shoveling shit is always good for the shit in my head.. a lot more literal than you would believe.

Thanks for listening..

Black Sheep

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