only so.. so.. on the Yoga so far this week..

only twice this week have I managed to get Yoga in.. Only 2x 20 minutes.  Tonight is my Hour and 15 min Yoga class and I am finding myself so very glad for this forced time that I have to take for it.

I did walk 5 miles on Monday, 4 and 3/4 miles on Tuesday and ran just over 1/4 mile.

Today I slept in.. and so far have only walked 1 and 1/2 miles.. I plan to go walking with my friend before yoga class this afternoon and hope we can make 2 miles.

Running.. this may sound silly.. cuz I know I do not run far yet.. but I LOVE how it feels.. I love the energy I get the day I run.. I love the sweat.. I love the burn.. I love the small high I get.   I cannot wait till I can do a few miles at a time..

Tomorrow is going to be crazy!!!!  kids going off in all directions and me in another and non of us will be back for 24 hours.. so lots must be done.. but I will get a work out in early in the morning..Just a mile.. mile and 1/2 walk and a 1/4 mile run.. Then I have other things to expend my energy on for the day..

With all the changes in my life lately… I have been learning some things about myself I suppose I knew.. but some things that are really only now becoming noticeable.. One of the most obvious to myself.. not sure if it is to others.. is that I am insecure.. I feel it.. it eats at me.. when people tease me.. at least people who do not know me well.. I fuss at it and worry it.. I do not think most people know I do this.. but I do.. I work it over and over and over… till I either work it out that they are teasing of kidding.. or they tell me they are.. and then I worry that they think I am too stupid to have figured it out on my own.. or that I am too serious..

BUT… living as I have lived for so many years. With the man I have lived with.. I have lived in a very literal world.. one in which.. if I did not.. and still.. if I do not take everything could be as serious as .. it could lose me my home..  or it could just make me look stupid.. but NEVER in this personal relationship is there “kidding or teasing” It is all serious.. all the time.

I am in a learning phase with some new people.. it is hard.  I hate having to explain to people why I am the way I am.. but sometimes I guess I will have to.. it may not be possible for them to learn or figure it out on their own.

I “knew” .. or “knew of” my best friend for at least a few years before we got to know each other.. and now.. lol.. I would and do trust her not only with my life.. but with my kids..

I am working really hard these days.. physically.. and mentally.. still looking inward a lot.. seeing what needs work.. and this trust thing.. not sure how it can be resolved other than with time.. because there are so many many many things that fertilized the trust issues.. I have an entire forest and field of red brush to hack through.. but.. I suppose.. if someone.. like my best friend did.. if someone wants in.. they will seek and find their way through.. they will find I am worth the effort..

back to work for me.. lots left to do today..

but I have to say… once again.. I am so glad I have this.. this place to come to and “talk”  I almost always feel better.. and clearer.. or even like I know what I need to think about or look at .. lol.. or not.. lol

Black Sheep

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