How does this happen??

I am just so confused..

People.. (ok mostly one person) plays games with me..

pull me close.. push me away.. using words and actions that are opposite one another..Yea.. that old saying.. “actions speak louder than words”  it is true.. every single time… so PAY ATTENTION to what a person does.. and not so much what he or she says.

Push, pull.. pluck at my heart-strings.. push, pull.. ignore me.. pluck and pull

and then SOMEHOW.. omg.. Somehow.. when I ask for some clarification..

I END UP LOOKING LIKE A SELFISH AND SELF-CENTERED BITCH.

and that is so totally who and what I am NOT.. I am a giver.. not a taker..

I am beginning to see that this person just might be skilled at this game..

pull me close.. play with my emotions.. push me away..

over and over and over.. and then stack the deck to make me look bad..

I am getting to the end of this game soon.. and even tho I know all I have to do is “Just Stop Playing”  it is harder done than said with this person.

I am gonna have to make a decision on this.. if it is worth it.. and damn soon.. and even tho.. I am sure what I will decide.. I am still not happy about having to do this.. and I know one day I will be.. yes.. I know I will be more than happy with my decision… tonight.. it all just makes me so damn sad..

I am better than that.. I deserve to be treated with more respect..  I am worth more as a friend and a person.. I do not have to put up with being pushed and pulled.. It is a game.. and as soon as I can get my heart-strings safely tucked away..

as soon as I can do that and be strong enough.. this person is going to have to find a new toy, and go play somewhere else.

Dear God.. Something else just occurred to me could a lot of my current inability to process my emotions be because of This Pain and MS?  this thing has me just right on the edge of not knowing how to act, think, feel.. I have sat here and thought.. and thought.. it seems.. that when I have been having an episode.. I get easily distracted and not as able to cope with my own emotions.  Eight solid days of pain.. then not being able to get out of bed for a few days not only takes its toll on a body.. but on the mind as well.. because I think that at any other time.. before this pain came on 12 days ago.. I could have dealt with all this way  better than I am now..

who knows.. it was just a thought..

I am tired and wore out emotionally.. family, and other things, has used me up. And I would not still be going if not for my very best friend in the world.. I think I would have ended up in the hospital last week if not for her.. (hay.. wait.. she saved me from a nice cozy little vacation.. gonna have a talk with her tomorrow.. lol)

I must quit this post and get myself to bed.. since husband is still here and he created a lot of problems .. I am going to need some rest.

(..sigh..)

black sheep

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