Doing. Hell is a commin

Packing a little today
Resting a little
Trying to fix my car
Gonna go pay rent this afternoon!

Husband is due here this afternoon or evening. Fucking plans to stay till Monday !!!!

Tomorrow I have appointment to full out restraining order. I won’t file it yet. I found an attorney who will help me refine the order next week
and GET THIS!! Will help me file divorce. Right away. I was in a 6 month wait list with legal aid!!

Monday till Tuesday afternoon i’m gone to do something fun..

Why you ask am I taking a mini vacation of sorts in the middle of all this?? Because if I don’t I will not make it through.

With or without money.. What i was waiting for. I am leaving the weekend of the 20th. Or early that week.
I must have a move date. For my friends as much as my sanity!!!

Black sheep….trying to help it all fall together as it falls apart…

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back and damn forth

Feeling ok

Panic and doubt and panic and doubt and panic and doubt Panic and doubt and panic and doubt and panic and doubt Panic and doubt and panic and doubt and panic and doubt Panic and doubt and panic and doubt and panic and doubt

then I feel ok

then I wonder..

will I find a job?

what if the money I am waiting for does not come?

what if my car breaks.. again?

what if I get sick..

oh.. I aint staying.. I am still leaving..

I just have huge moments of panic and doubt…

Panic and doubt and panic and doubt and panic and doubt Panic and doubt and panic and doubt and panic and doubt Panic and doubt and panic and doubt and panic and doubt Panic and doubt and panic and doubt and panic and doubt Panic and doubt and panic and doubt and panic and doubt Panic and doubt and panic and doubt and panic and doubt Panic and doubt and panic and doubt and panic and doubt Panic and doubt and panic and doubt and panic and doubt

every day.. for just a few minutesĀ  here and there.. but they are HUGE…

Black sheep

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Just want it done

Sick to fucking death of sitting here… Waiting.
Pretending
I just desperately need to be in action and there is nothing I can DO!!!
I just don’t care how many others go through this…. I hate it!
I hate crying when and where the kids can’t hear.
I call my dad sometimes. Cuz he is the only person I can say some things to..
But today it did not help.
My horse is even getting a little tired of my maudlin crap.
But I just wait and wait and pretend and wonder how I did this every day for years on end.
I have never felt so alone.
Why is it so hard to stand on the same damn feet I have stood on for years ??
What makes NOW and THIS different?
Maybe things will look better tomorrow
Maybe not…
Black sheep

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Every day it’s some new crap

Just something new to foul up my plans.
Lack if that IRS check is #1
Him just making general life harder than usual
Car problems
Lack of money

And I am so tired in this heat

New plan.

Nap a lot during the day in front of the
A/C
Get more done at night when it is cool

Let’s hope this plan works better.

Sweaty tired black sheep.

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sunrise

it happens every day.. no matter how I feel about it.

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mending fence

and crying while I was doing it..
fences I have been mending for YEARS
and will never mend again..
all part of the process I suppose.
unfenced Black Sheep

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Fall together

Things had to fall apart so they could fall together the way they are meant to. May not be how I envisioned things.
Or want them to be.
But…
As hard as it has been…
Now,..
It is feeling. “right”
Black sheep

20120628-101249.jpg

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pick yourself up…

Nothing’s impossible I have found,
For when my chin is on the ground,
I pick myself up,
Dust myself off,
Start All over again.

Don’t lose your confidence if you slip,
Be grateful for a pleasant trip,
And pick yourself up,
Dust yourself off,
Start all over again.

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Is this “normal”

To feel like this?
I know people get divorced and move every single damn day but HOLY SHIT!!
If this is the normal way to feel.. and I have been told it is fairly normal.. how I am feeling and how I am dealing with it..
but then How the HELL do people FUCKING FUNCTION?!?!?!
How do they get through each day without a massive breakdown or massive amounts of medication?
maybe getting angry is the key here?
I have got to feel something else besides
scared. lonely, sad, unsure, worried, tired..
MAD AS HELL.. or even just a little mad might help..
any advice is welcome at this point..
sad/pissed off black sheep

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to do today

new tactic
LIST the few big important things I can and will get done today..
1. Get son to help me take bunk bed frame in spare room apart and put in the barn.
2. get son to pull all unused fence posts
3. help daughter clean her room
4. empty one of the two drawer filing cabinets
5. eat a good meal
6. take at least a small nap
7. have a few drinks with my friend who is spending a few days with me..
*not necessarily in the order listed
** and this just might be a two day list..
overwhelmed little black sheep

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