a year and a month

June 16 2011 I started this blog..

Here I am.. a year and a month later and my life has completely changed.

almost  nothing.. including me.. is the same.

I decided on Feb 20th 2012 I wanted out..I knew I was leaving.. maybe not consciously.. but I look back and I KNEW it was over.. my life in that house and marriage..

I had been pretending to be some one I was not for many years and the me I used to be.. still was deep inside..  could not pretend any more that that life was livable.

6 months to the day of that realization I started moving.

and that brings us to today..

new thoughts swirl in my mind.. and I know this chapter is over and I am writing the next as we speak.

not sure how much i will be coming here much more..

I think this blog did its job..  it saved me..

maybe it just time for something new..

message me.. I think I have something better waiting for all of us..

in any case.. “thank you’ blog and readers for being here in the past 13 months.

Black Sheep.. grazing on greener pastures already.

I love this photo..

All the things

I have given up or thrown away or left behind or have had taken away from me…

My farm, my title of wife, my home, darling rena, dearest patty…

I have been moved and tossed,, tumbled and torn.. and hurt, heart body and soul.

my mind is more free..

my soul is lighter but somehow damaged

and my heart is a mess from the loss.

Even the loss I wanted and needed and desired is LOSS..

Change even for the better is still change and it brings its own challenges.

My body has been pushed way beyond its limits and has quit on me and one of the loses I feel most keenly is my flexibility.  I miss my physical strength.. I miss yoga and walking and running and riding.. bending and just being able to get out of a chair without pain.

oh I know it will get better.. it already is.. but it is frustrating to have all this loss and to not be able to physically pursue my pain..

Sitting here this morning missing that fat limpy little dog who gave so much to me.

Black Sheep.. wounded black sheep..

 

 

 

 

well.. unexpected..

DAMN DAMN DAMN
She as not supposed to get old ad sick and leave me NOW..
Patty came into my live yeas ago when terrible tragedy fell upon our family and healed us.. healed me..
today she let me too early and left me feeling sad and alone. .

rest in peace little patty dog
you came when I could not have became who I am without you..
I am not sure why you left me now..

black sheep

What the hell is wrong with people?

Why am I sad?!??
Just a sheep….
We lost a damn pet we had for 9 years and YEAH. We are all sad.
Other sheep is freaked out alone and the mare is reacting to my emotions. She picks up things that I sometimes don’t even know I’m feeling for pity sake. OF COURSE she is gonna react to my strong emotions !! and not well of course.
And that brat pony follows along.
NO. I can’t just leave them out on pasture. There is a coyote problem here.
People are idiots.
I’m sad.
Everyone is sad
I have had a hell of a few weeks
Reached even my considerable pain tolerance limit.
Tired
Gotta go milk cows every milking for 3 days.

I hate people today
That sheep was worth more than almost everyone who calls them self my friend.
HAY YOU. YOU know I don’t mean you.

Missing my black sheep.

Dearest Rena

“Rest in peace” You were the very awesomest sheep I have ever known. And thank you for being able to wait so I could have you with me here.. Where at least for a while I can visit you.

Love you always
Your Black Sheep.

almost there..

today is the last day i have to get what is mine from the house..
I am very glad it is almost over..
.. this ending means MANY new beginnings I already feel happier and more at ease than I have been in so many years.

I sometimes cannot believe I stayed for so damn long.. how truly sad and dangerous and lonely that life was.
and how good this new life feels..

I hope that I will now have time to re-think this blog.. although I will have to deal with my Aspergers Husband for many years to come..
My life is no longer about HIM..

I would to look back at this blog in another year and see .. that’s it..just see..

Black Sheep.. finding comfort and confidence in the new sheepfold

crappy but happy

just a few minutes ago..
standing in the hot little kitchen..
in this crappy little mobile home…
listening to Kenny Chesney…
cooking a throw it together dinner..
listening to my kids play..
watching my horse out the window..
despite the pain of a slipped disc and pinched nerves in my back..
I cannot remember being happier..
Black Sheep..
…more than mere survival in this moment

I have arrived

6 months to the day..
I started moving..
4 days later am 75% moved and it feels like home.
so much to do
so much to think about.
so very much to tell
but know this…
it is unequivocally,
no doubt the right thing to do.
black sheep… arriving home

moving days

Moving along and moving on.
working hard, packing and getting things ready to go to my new place.
Got my Mare moved yesterday and she did so great. She has not trailer-ed in 12 years and when I stepped up into the tiny two horse bumper pull trailer she stepped forward and put a foot up! and after a few minutes.. she stepped right in!! I think she knows this is the right thing as much as I do.
Today will be spent packing and getting things clean at new place.. moving stuff and getting the horse and pony out on the new pasture.
I thank god for this opportunity to start over.. to start new.. to have this chance to build something bright and happy with and for myself and kids. “thank you”
I am also eternally grateful for my best friend.. without her moving would take months.. lol.. not days.

I filed for a restraining order against my husband.. and the judge granted me a temp one..
I hate that he sounds so sad.. and lost.. but I gave him 18 years of my life and it is just time for both of us to make new lives.. to move on.. he is a grown up and he will be fine on his own.. and if not.. well I do not owe him my while life.. not when he spent the years I gave him drinking and abusing me.

but see, I am not so hard hearted that I cannot worry about him..

Off I go
things to do
places to be
black sheep is me